


The Use In Trying

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-15
Updated: 2010-01-15
Packaged: 2019-05-15 05:22:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14784318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Post Gaza. Josh and Donna get stranded in Connecticut and are forced to actually talk to each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

So this isn’t good, I sigh as I hang up the phone and look over at Donna. I’m already anticipating the disappointment, the silent blame that’ll be laid down at my feet. Somehow, this will be my fault. EVERYTHING’S my fault lately, even things that are so far beyond my control…especially things that are so far beyond my control it seems. 

“The airports are closing.” I say needlessly as she stares out the window at all the snow falling.

“So, we’re stranded in New York City.” She states the obvious distainfully. “With no hotel room.”

“But not without a plan.” I reply. I ease her up off the couch of the hotel lobby. “Put your coat on.”

“We’re going OUTSIDE?” she practically shrieks. “Josh! It’s a blizzard out there! Let’s just try and get a room here.”

“It’s booked up, Donna. The President spoke here this morning.” 

“Why are we even still HERE?” she grumbles, but puts her wool coat on, shoves a hat on her head and wiggles her fingers into her gloves. Everyone else went back with the President. I stayed behind because the Chairman of the DNC apparently needed a little hand holding; only it turned out to be a ploy to get me alone and try to poach me away from the White House. Donna’s here because she’s Miss-I-want-to-grow-in-my-job, and I’m all for that…as long as it’s right next to me where I can throw myself on a bomb to save her.

Yes, even now, when she seems to hate everything that has anything to do with me, I’m startled to realize I’d still die for her if I thought I had to. 

Amy told me once I needed to be hit over the head sometimes. Well, Gaza was an anvil. It wasn’t that it made me realize that I was ridiculously in love with Donna, it made me realize that I don’t have the time I thought I did. 

Which is a problem given our current jobs.

I grab her gloved hand in mine and she actually tightens her grip a bit as we hit the cold, windy, snowy streets of New York City.

“Where the hell are we going?” she demands. Can I even remember the last time she smiled?

“Just right over there to Macy’s.” I reply.

“We’re going to kill the time by shopping?”

“Sort of.” I reply. “We’re going there and I’m buying you everything you need for a few days, just in case.”

“What about you?”

“I have stuff.”

“Where? You didn’t bring a suitcase.”

“Once we buy you what you need, we can take the train to Westport.” 

She’s stunned. Yeah, look at that. Josh came up with the plan. Who’d have thunk it?

“To spend the night where?”

“My house.” 

“Your mother sold that house; she lives in Florida.” 

“She sold it to ME, Donna.” I reply. “Hurry up.” 

I know she wants to ask more but there’s too much holding her back. One, it’s freaking cold and snowy out here; two, that would penetrate this personal wall she’s put up between us. It started shortly after her return from Germany.

I lay awake at night trying to figure it out. There is no denying what happened between us in Germany. First off, I flew there; secondly, she asked for me before her surgery and immediately after. It was right there for everyone to see from the moment I found out until the moment I got back.

As Donna slowly makes her way through the women’s department, I call the Trader Joe’s in Westport and get the manager, who’s an old friend of my family’s, to deliver a bunch of food over to the house and leave it on the porch. It’s not like it’ll go bad outside. Then, I call the handyman who looks after the place and promise him a very large tip to go over there and turn the heat on. I didn’t have to promise him anything at all if I didn’t want to, he’s likewise an old friend of my family’s. He’s even going to pick us up from the train station.

Westport’s all about taking care of each other. It’s all very old money and everyone keeps that money in Westport. It’s a beautiful community. I have to say though I’m a little nervous taking Donna there. This is a part of me she doesn’t know. We’ve exchanged stories from our childhoods. We did that a lot when I was out of work after the shooting, but they were stories. I never really told her about my upbringing. I mean, she can draw her own conclusions: Harvard, Yale, my father was a partner in a prominent New York City law firm, but…well, I think she’s in for a bit of a surprise when she sees it first hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well now, this should be interesting. We’re snowed in in Connecticut. I just sort of went with the flow when Josh announced his plan. Quite frankly, I think the Deputy Chief of Staff would have no problem finding us some hotel rooms in New York, but he decided not to throw his weight around it seems.

Josh doesn’t throw his weight around anyway. Though I’m told he did it quite a bit in Germany. That surprised me because in six years, I’ve never seen him use his title to get anything before. My mother said he only had to tell them who he was once and the whole hospital staff rolled over for him.

It’s hard to think of Josh in that capacity. I’ve always had a hard time looking at him as this person with a ton of power. He’s just…not flashy like that. He never has been. And because he never used it to his advantage, I never used it to my advantage. 

I could have plenty of times along the way. It’s not that I’m all that high or impressive in the pecking order, but I have been catered to upon occasion by people looking to get access. I’ll be out with friends and senators or congresspeople will send me over drinks, one congresswoman even paid our tab one night. 

Everyone in that town it seems wants a piece of Josh right now. Ever since the President appointed CJ Chief of Staff, Josh’s phone has rung non-stop. There’s an impressive amount of job offers, and at this point, I have to say, I really wish he’d take one. There’s also a few people trying to go to him with stuff they need because they don’t trust CJ…or it’s more like they don’t have confidence in her. 

I’d feel bad for her, but I’m not really inclined to at the moment. She and I haven’t really gotten back on the right track. Well, in her defense, she hasn’t really had time to make the effort either. 

I can’t believe Josh didn’t put up a fight about that. How could he not be outraged by all of this? Toby assured me that CJ’s promotion had nothing to do with Josh dumping the White House on its ass in a crisis and flying to Germany, though he seemed a little perplexed as to why CJ and not Josh, as well.

But Josh has been silent about it. Every now and then I can see that he’s at least slightly sensitive about it, but he keeps his true feelings on the subject pretty close to the vest... even from me, which admittedly hurts.

Not that I can blame him for not confiding in me like he once did, I haven’t been too open in that regard. 

Things between him and I…well, they’re the best and worst they’ve ever been, both at the same time. On the one hand, it’s hard to misinterpret the gesture he made by coming to Germany, the look in his eyes, the fact that he took care of ME for a change. And I have to admit that he was pretty good at it, he was and has been extremely attentive.

And all this has pissed me off to no end.

Yes, I realize that Colin was there and that wasn’t pleasant for Josh. But I returned to the U.S. without Colin and Colin was never intended to go further than that trip anyway. He was a fling in a foreign country. 

When I came back to work, it was just so obvious that Josh had chosen his career over me that I was just heartbroken. Nothing physical happened, but it certainly did emotionally and how he could just pretend it didn’t… I mean especially for a job that screwed him like that! God, I just want to punch him!

He doesn’t know this, but I’ve been thinking about leaving the White House. It’s not as thrilling as it used to be. I have a hard time accepting my life was spared, over the former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, just to remain an assistant. But I don’t really know how to go about it. He’s going to implode either way. He’s definitely going to see it as abandonment. He’s got issues with that kind of thing.

But I can’t stay there anymore. I can’t stay there and watch him choose a job over us. Every time I look at him, I just want to shake him and scream at him. 

The guy from Trader Joe’s, who’s name is actually Joe, brought a pick up truck with him, so the three of us are stuffed in the cab and all our stuff is in the back under a cover. It’s taken half an hour to get back from the train station. The roads are a mess. The train ride wasn’t TOO long, but I’m tired now. We were traveling and up early and I could be sleeping on comfy Air Force One, or probably my bed by now, if the DNC Chairman didn’t need…whatever he needed. 

About ten minutes ago, I dropped my head onto Josh’s shoulder. I may be annoyed with him, but it hasn’t made his shoulder any less comfortable. I pick it up now in astonishment as I see what looms before me. 

I didn’t think anything of it when we went through an iron gate just now. I thought it was the entrance to Josh’s development.

Not so much. The grounds are enormous. There’s got to be an easy two acres between the road and the house. 

The house is really quite stunning. It’s a very large brick Colonial. And I mean LARGE. It’s not at all what I expected. It’s dark, so I can’t see too far into the property on the other side of the house, but a light attached to the, what looks to be, four car garage is illuminating an in-ground pool. Beyond the pool, I can just make out another structure, which I assume is the pool house. 

The driveway is more like a drive thru and Joe pulls right up the front stairs, which are covered in snow, but you can tell they’ve been shoveled recently.

“It should be pretty warm in there. I put all the food in the refrigerator too and turned that back on.” Joe says as he opens up his door and gets out. Josh gets out of the truck and turns to take my hand.

“I’m okay.” I say immediately.

“It’s slippery.” He says quietly back and I put my hand in his. I can finally walk with minimal pain in my leg. The last thing I need is to fall down on it. It’ll ache for days.

Josh goes up the stairs and unlocks the door, while I help Joe get the stuff from the back of the truck out.

“If you need anything else, Josh, just let me know. I’ve got the four wheel drive.” Joe says.

“Thanks, Joe. Tell Sally I said hello.” 

“She’ll be sorry she missed you.” Joe smiles.

“I’ll bet.” Josh chuckles. They shared some kind of joke or something there, I don’t know what that’s about. 

I follow Josh into the foyer of the house and my jaw drops. Given what the outside of the house looks like, I don’t know why I’m awed by the inside, but it’s just jaw dropping gorgeous. 

The foyer has a slate floor and vaulted ceiling. It’s illuminated by a beautiful chandelier that hangs in front of a very large picture window and the crown molding rivals the grand crown molding of the White House for sure. 

Josh moves quickly through the house and throws switches, casting the first floor in a warm and inviting glow. I slowly move around the downstairs, which is fully furnished. Hard wood floors, barn beamed ceilings, floor to ceiling windows, built in bookcases, recessed lighting, the most beautiful piano I have ever seen and fireplaces in three of the rooms I’ve gone in. In the kitchen, there’s marble as far as the eye can see. This is a kitchen specifically designed for entertaining large gatherings. Multiple sinks and ovens, a walk in freezer, high ceilings, French doors that lead out to a patio with an arbor. With the outside lights on now, I can see the silhouette of tennis courts. The dining room has a mahogany Queen Anne table that seats 16, another fireplace and what looks like it might be a cut crystal chandelier. 

I can feel Josh’s eyes on me as I move through the house. I finally end up back in the foyer. He leans up against a door way and looks at me.

“Say something.” He says.

“It’s furnished.” I croak.

“My mom didn’t think the furniture would fit in and match the house she bought in Florida.” He replies quietly.

That makes perfect sense. Each piece I saw looks like it was designed and manufactured just for this house.

“I don’t…I don’t really know what to say, Josh.” I finally confess. “I never imagined…”

“It never really came up.” He seems to cringe. I’ve learned to read him well and it seems that he’s very concerned with what I think right now. I’m not really sure WHAT to think about any of this. This house is indicative of a life that I just never imagined Josh to be in and come from. His apartment in D.C. is certainly nothing like this. 

"It could have fit into any number of conversations." I reply with a little more ice in my voice than I had intended. 

"Come on, Donna." He shoots back. "There's no better researcher in the White House than you, you never Googled Westport?" 

Okay, he's got me there. Of course I did, but this just seems so at odds with everything Josh. 

"Yeah, I did, but I guess I just had a different image in my head because none of this seems YOU." I say sweeping my hand around. 

"Was that a backhanded compliment?"

"Can I take my coat off?"

"Of course you can." He says. "I don't want you to feel any less comfortable here than you do in my apartment in D.C."

"I haven't been to your apartment in years, Josh." 

He pauses a moment before responding with a simple "Yeah," and picking up our bags. "Come on, I'll show you upstairs."


	2. The Use In Trying

I think in six years, I’ve never felt uncomfortable around Josh. I shouldn’t say uncomfortable. That might be the wrong word here. I’ve never felt out of my league or intimidated by him. I don’t even know what he’s doing with this place. His mother moved three years ago. Why did he want this huge, lonely, fully furnished house for that’s almost eight hours away from where he lives and works? 

It’s created a bit of a burning question in me that I don’t know if I want to know the answer to. He was with Amy when his mother “sold” this. Were things more serious with her than I thought? They did get back together briefly a few months ago. 

The bedroom I’m in is, not surprisingly, huge. I seriously think my entire apartment can fit in here. The ceilings are high, it’s a nice soft taupe color and the bed is enormous and looks incredibly comfortable. It’s got its own bathroom, which surprisingly isn’t as big as I thought it would be. 

What it does have that I’ve been enjoying is a window seat. I think during the day you could probably see out over what I’m starting to think might be an estate. 

I hear the door creak and I snap my head in its direction. Josh is standing there. He leans against the doorway and crosses his arms over his chest.

“You okay?” He asks softly.

“Yeah. I’m just watching the snow fall.” I smile lightly. I feel bad about how cold I was to him earlier. I could tell he was nervous about my reaction to this house and I didn’t make it any easier. 

“Yeah, I was just told it’s a Nor’easter and isn’t supposed to let up until sometime tomorrow night. They’re expecting over a foot.” 

“I haven’t been in a storm like this since I lived in Wisconsin.” I say. 

“Yeah?” He asks. “I guess it hasn’t snowed that much since we’ve been in the White House.” 

I like this moment. It’s nice, it’s quiet and for a minute, it felt like the old days, before we were taken over by whatever it is that’s destroying us.

“I’m sorry I was a little…cranky…before.” I cringe a bit.

“It’s okay.” He smiles. “You’re supposed to be home in your own bed tonight and now you’re stuck with me in a big strange house for an indeterminable amount of time. I wouldn’t expect you to be happy about it.” 

I furrow my brow a bit and look at him. “Why?” 

“I just thought this is the last placed you’d want to be.” He shrugs and then puts his hand on the door knob. “Shout if you need anything…not that I really know where anything is, but…”

“Didn’t you grow up here?”

“Mostly.” He says. “But I never really had to get anything and my mom often rearranged things…”

“Well, we’ve got her on speed dial, so we can send up the bat signal if we come up short.” I smile a bit, but the moment I just felt has now passed and we’ve reverted back to our awkward and stilted selves that we’ve become since I got back from Germany. 

“Josh?” I stop him just as he’s about to close the door and practically flies back open. 

“Yeah?”

“Remember how we used to talk after you got out of the hospital, late at night when you couldn’t sleep?”

This time he takes a few steps into the room. “Yeah.” 

“Do you think we can talk like that again?”

“Are you SURE you’re all right?” He looks a little concerned now. 

“Yeah.” I nod quickly. “I just…I miss it.” 

He tilts his head to the side and looks genuinely puzzled. “You didn’t want it.”

“What?”

“When you came back, you didn’t want any of that.”

God, now I feel like the Ghost of Christmas Future here. “Oh, so that’s a no then?” 

“No!” he says quickly. “No, I think that would be…good.” 

“Me too.” I smile lightly. “Can I ask you something else?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s kinda personal.”

“It’s all right.”

“Were you in love with Amy?”

His eyes go wide and his jaw drops a bit. That was exactly not what he was thinking I was going to ask.

“Was I in love with Amy?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “Too personal?”

“No, I guess not. I was just surprised by the question.”

“Sorry.” 

“Is it important?” 

“Is it important?”

“Yeah. Is it important whether or not I was?” 

“I don’t know. Honestly, I guess that depends upon the answer.” 

He slides his hands into the pockets of his jeans and rocks a bit back and forth on his heels. “What’s riding on it?” 

“Riding on your answer?”

“Yeah. What happens if I give the wrong answer?”

“Nothing, I guess.” I shrug nonchalantly. I mean really, what am I going to say? What am I really going to do if he says he was madly in love with her, which I don’t think he was. 

“I think it’s possible to have loved more than one person in your lifetime, Donna. At some point, you thought you were in love with Dr. Freeride, right?”

“Why do you always call him Dr. Freeride?”

“You’ve never told me his name.” 

“Ah.”

“Yes.”

“So, that’s a yes then?” 

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “We were busy then. I didn’t have the time to put into our relationship that I would have liked. I cared a lot about her.”

“So, you don’t think she was the one that got away.” I conclude.

“I broke up with her.”

“But you got back together.”

“That wasn’t…we weren’t really together that second time.”

Ah. That was all about the sex. Definitely could have done without knowing that piece of information, but I guess I asked the question.

I nod a bit, bite my lip and look out the window. Why does it bother me so much that he cared about her? He’s right. I’ve loved other men. It wasn’t a good love in hindsight, but I definitely loved Brian and possibly Jack, but I’m not too sure on that one. And in further hindsight, neither of them were the great love of my life, as it turns out.

“I’m sorry to pry.”

“If you want to talk like we used to, then that ship has sailed.” He smiles. I smile back and he walks back to the door. “Anyway, `night.”

“Night.”

And this time he does close the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, if I wasn’t confused before, I definitely am now! I come back into my room just in time to see the weather report on t.v. The snow is supposed to change over to ice. 

Swell.

New England ice storms are horrible! We’re going to be stuck here for days. I dig in the closet until I resurface with the flashlight and check the batteries then put it on the nightstand next to my bed. 

I flop down onto the bed with a big sigh and prop my arms on my knees and stare at the t.v. that’s showing the entire New York Tri-State area completely white. Well, we have food, seriously it’s probably enough for a week; for the moment we have power, and there’s plenty of liquor here. There’s even firewood, though I have a feeling Donna won’t let me start any fires.

But I can’t say I’m too broken up about being stranded with Donna. True, there was a time I’d have been completely over the moon about it. Even now, when it’s hard to find my footing with her, there’s no one else I’d rather be stranded with. 

That whole conversation was odd and it felt kind of awkward too, but it also felt like it was the start of stuff that needed to be said. Her offer to talk was definitely welcome. The question about Amy threw me for a loop. I guess I’m just so surprised to realize that it mattered so much to her. 

I was banking on those conversations during her recovery. I thought we’d get to recapture the old days and we could talk out the obvious problems we were having, but she didn’t want anything to do with any of that, so the only thing I could do was pretend nothing had changed when in reality everything had changed.

I can hear the snow turning to ice now against the window. It’s a good thing a tree surgeon came in last year and cut all the tree limbs back from the house. 

My eyebrows shoot up when Donna appears in my doorway. I’m sure now more than ever that whatever her various issues have been over the last six plus months, they seem to be coming to a head now. She can’t decide whether to punch me or hug me, which makes me think she feels the exact same way I do and is just as frustrated as me… possibly more so. 

“It’s changing to ice outside.” I say softly, giving her the chance to get comfortable instead of demanding to know what she’s doing in here. 

“Well, that’s not good.” She says with her arms crossed in front of her chest and taking a few steps into the room. She looks over at the t.v. “Is that the news?”

“The Weather Channel.” 

“Not the news?”

“I think the storm is the news.”

She looks around the room, taking in her surroundings, no doubt looking for clues as to anything she might not know about me already, but the evidence that this is the room I grew up in, more or less, was gone a long time ago. 

“I just wanted to…” she starts. “Can we pretend things aren’t weird?”

“What?” 

“For tonight, can we just pretend things aren’t weird between you and I? I don’t want to be by myself and weird or not, I feel better when you’re around…” 

I can’t help it, I smile a bit at that revelation. It makes me think that all is definitely not lost, it just needs some redirection…I hope. I nod toward the empty half of the bed. “Hop in.”

“Yeah?” she smiles. 

“Yeah.”

She smiles widely and climbs in the other side of the bed and under the covers. I have an amazing sense of déjà vu right now. I’m absolutely positive Donna and I have never shared a bed. But this moment here, of her in my bed in this room, it just feels like I’ve done it before.

I switch off the t.v. and toss the remote on the table, turn out the light, and then climb in next to her and roll on my side to face her. What else are we supposed to pretend? I slide my hand across the comforter. She reaches out and links her fingers with mine, squeezes a bit and closes her eyes.

I’m awakened sometime later by a loud boom outside and then pain on my chest as Donna clutches me tightly. “Oh God.” She says in a strangled whisper.

“Donna, are you all right?” I ask to the pitch darkness. A transformer nearby must have blown and the power is out. 

“I have to get out of here.” It’s a whimper that I have to strain to hear. I fight her grip for a second to turn back and fumble for the flashlight with one hand as the other clutches her hand. When I get a hold of it, I immediately turn it on and shine it in between us. I don’t want to blind her in darkness.

“Donna, look.” I demand. “There’s light. It was a transformer; the power went out.”

Her eyes dart around us and she takes a deep breath. “Sorry. I got woken up I guess by the boom and it was just darkness.” 

“You don’t have to apologize.” I balance the flashlight near us to provide light, and then slide her to me and hug her tightly. I’ve wanted to give her this hug for months and she buries her head in my neck and clutches my shirt. 

“That’s what happened. A big boom and everything went black. I woke up in the hospital when I saw you.” 

“You were just disoriented for a second. It’s all right.”

“I feel…”

“I know how you feel.” I chuckle. 

She adjusts her head and lays it against my chest as her arms slip around me. “I guess you do.” 

I stroke her hair and kiss her temple. “Wanna go downstairs? We can light a fire.”

“No.” she says as she glides her cheek lightly against my chest. “I’m fine right here.”


	3. The Use In Trying

Natural light floods Josh’s room when I open my eyes. I can see past him that the clock is blinking, so the power came back sometime while we were sleeping. I’m still tangled up with him and it’s a nice feeling. 

We’re stuck here today, so there’s nothing to do but have the most awkward and painful conversation of my life, but given our current position, I think we’ll be okay in the end. Unfortunately, this conversation is going to include me telling him I’m thinking of leaving the White House. I don’t think that’s going to fly far, but he can’t change my mind. I can’t be there anymore. I never used to feel this apathetic about my job and I can’t imagine he’s really happy there. Josh acts when he’s backed into a corner, so I think I’ll need to do that here. 

But sometimes he acts the wrong way, so I guess we’ll just see how that goes.

I prop my chin up on his chest and continue to look at the ice coming down outside. 

“I was wondering when you were going to wake up.” He says in what just might be the sexiest morning voice I’ve ever heard. 

I turn to him in surprise and blush a bit. He’s looking back at me, no doubt like me wondering what do next. His forearm comes forward a little bit and pauses before his hand comes to rest gently on my head, then it begins to stroke. It feels good. Everything about this feels good…except the conversation looming on the horizon. 

“How long have you been awake?” I ask him.

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “A while.” 

I turn into his hand slightly. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” 

“I was enjoying this too much.” 

“It’s nice.” I smile. “It’s kinda weird.” 

“Weird.” 

“Well, it’s awkward and not at the same time.” 

“Ah.”

“You don’t think it’s awkward?”

“Not until like a second ago.” 

“When I asked you about Amy last night, you said I must have loved Brian and Jack…”

“I didn’t ask about Jack.” He says a little too quickly.

“Really? Well, I guess he falls in here. It’s just before, it always seemed the more I gave, the less I got. And I can’t be her anymore, Josh. I can’t be the girl who does all the changing and all the compromising in a relationship and is haunted by disappointment.   
And that’s always been us until very recently, and I used to be okay with that, but when I realized what it was I wanted and that we had sort of mutated into that, I didn’t know if we were really like that or I was just seeing what I wanted to. But when I woke up in the hospital and you were there…”

“Donna, I can talk to you about any number of things, even the direction we seem to be headed in, but please don’t ask me to talk about that because I’m just not ready yet.” 

“Charlie told me what happened outside the Oval. He was afraid you had an episode.” I continue anyway. He’s always been able to handle more than he thought he could. He’s always been stronger than he thinks he is. 

“No. That’s nearly entirely under control. My heart was splintering into a thousand pieces. My problem that day didn’t have anything to do with my head. Don’t you want to know, Donna? Once and for all, instead of wondering, don’t you want to finally know?”

“I want to matter.”

“You DO matter! I knew it. You’ve been restless far too long to not be thinking of leaving by now.”

“I want to matter MORE, Josh. I’m going to matter to you whether I’m in the White House or not. But there’s nothing left to….it’s not the same.”

“You used to like it.”

“I don’t anymore.”

“You used to like me.”

“Yeah, well that stopped a long time ago.”

“Apparently. Why?”

“Because I fell in love.”

“With?”

“You, you idiot!” His eyes go wide and he freezes up “...and now you know.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’ve known.” I say quietly and her eyes widen.

“What?”

“I think I’ve always known on some level, but I really knew in the hospital…which is why everything was so damn confusing.”

“Confusing?” she replies and sits up, so I do the same…unfortunately. “Josh you flew half-way around the world with nothing then practically forgot anything ever happened when we got back. And you’re talking to ME about confusing?”

“Forgot!” I yelp and hop out of the bed. She scurries out the other side and squares off with me. And the morning started out so well…. “Donna, the last thing I did was forget! I was a man possessed by it. I called you 26 times in the three days I was at Camp David. I was terrified something else was going to happen when I wasn’t there. All I could see was you on the god damn operating table and hear your voice when you woke up every time I closed my eyes. I was going nuts not seeing you breathe for myself. Finally, I figured out how to channel the rage and fear into the peace talks so that some shred, some little shard of good came out of what happened to you. They put the footage of your Suburban on a loop, Donna, and do you know how many t.v.s there are in the bullpens? 13. Everywhere I looked, it was there! Forget? No Donna that is not something that I will ever forget.”

“You chose your job!”

“I didn’t choose my job, you did!” I shoot back. “YOU’RE the one that went all Miss Professional. Every time I’m around you, I feel like you’re about to call me ‘sir.’ You don’t want me anywhere near you.”

“Let’s talk about your job for a second, Josh, how could you not be outraged?” 

“At what?” Like I don’t know.

“At what!? At CJ stabbing you in the back and getting YOUR job!” 

“I have the same job I always did.”

“Right. Leo’s job should have been yours.”

“CJ didn’t stab me in the back, Donna.”

“She’s done nothing but stab you in the back since she took that job.”

“Maybe, but not to GET the job.” I counter. “And you’ve been barely civil to her since you got back, you wouldn’t talk to her when she called you in the hospital. She thinks you hate her.”

“I don’t hate her, but she’s not on my favorite people list right now.”

“Well, it seems like it’s a growing list. At least I’m in good company.”

“When you’re in CJ’s company right now, Josh, there’s nothing good about it.” She says shaking her head, then turns and slams out of the room and my massive frustration with her deflates as I have a semi-horrifying thought.

I didn’t say ‘I love you’ back.

Shit.


	4. The Use In Trying

I cringe as I hear her bedroom door slam. This is bad on many, many levels. I blow out a long breath, scratch the back of my head and walk around in a circle a few times.

Screw it. What’s she going to do? Run out in the middle of an ice storm?

I stride purposefully out of my room and next door to hers. I bang on the door with my fist. “Donna, open up!”

“Go away, Josh.” I can hear the catch in her voice through the door and I close my eyes briefly. I try the door knob and not surprisingly, she’s locked it. 

Well, now I’m really in a pickle, aren’t I? I pace outside her door while I think my next move over. It’s pretty bold. 

Screw it.

I hop up and grab the key off the top of the door jam, unlock the door and throw it open. In for a penny, in for a pound, I always say. Well, I’ve never said that, but I think I’ll start.

“Joshua!” she shrieks when I come busting into her room.

“It’s important!”

“What!?”

“I didn’t tell you I love you.” I say dropping my voice.

She looks at me in surprise for a moment. “Oh Josh, I know, too.”

And I blink in surprise. “You do?”

“Josh, you flew to Germany, what else was I supposed to think?”

“But I didn’t say it just before and I should have. I should have been saying that first.”

“Yeah, but there’s a lot we should be saying.” She says softly wiping the tears from her eyes then she looks back up at me with a small smile. “Did you really bust in here to tell me that?”

“It was kind of mushy and dramatic of me, I know…” I trail off like an idiot.

“I like mushy.” She says with a small laugh. 

“Well, I’m not typically mushy.” 

“I’m aware of that.” She walks slowly towards me and it’s not until I meet her closer than expected that I realize I had begun walking towards her, too. “But you do sweet.” 

“No, I don’t.” 

“What do you call flying to Germany?”

“That was purely selfish; that was to satisfy my consuming need to see you.”

“I see. There’s nothing sweet about that.” She reaches up to smooth down what is probably horrifying bed head, but I intercept her wrist and pull her the rest of the way. Her fingers slide up my neck and into my hair. I use my fingertips to gently pull her face the rest of way and my lips gently touch hers. We hover there for a second, like we can’t believe it just happened, I know I can’t. Then she deepens the kiss and the nervousness and anticipation of this moment is pushed aside as I get sucked up into the moment itself. She pulls away and smiles.

Then her stomach growls.

Her eyes widen, then she laughs and it’s the first time I’ve truly seen her smile since well before she left for Gaza. There’s evidence that my Donna still exists and I can get her back. I kiss her again, but her stomach growls some more. 

“We should take care of that.” I smile against her lips, but at the moment, I’m having a hard time breaking away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Joshua, you’re going to burn breakfast.” I groan against his lips. It took a while to get out of the bedroom earlier. That was both our faults.

“Well, it’s not like I know what I’m doing anyway.”

“It certainly doesn’t look that way from the way you were whipping up the eggs.” 

“I was guessing.”

“You guessed to add Bailey’s?” 

“Umm….”

“You’re busted!” I laugh and he kisses me again. Just like I suspected, Josh is an amazing kisser. 

“I’m the only son of a doting mother.” He confesses.

“Where were these culinary skills when you were well enough to move around on your own after you got out of the hospital?” 

“I’m ashamed to admit, Donna, that I got completely sucked into you taking care of me.” He says sheepishly. I act indignant and give him a shove, but I’m not mad. “You were just so good at it.” 

“Yes well, now I know your dirty little secret.”

“I got hundreds of them.” He smirks.

“Not from me you don’t.” 

“Well, that’s not true. Case in point is this house apparently, though how you never got that from my mother, I’ll never know.”

“I don’t understand.” I say leaning up against the counter next to the stove where he continues to whisk what I’m thinking are going to be some pretty damn good eggs. “What are you doing with this house?” He merely shrugs and continues to poke at the eggs. “Josh? What does a single guy who lives and works in DC need this fully furnished enormous house in Connecticut for?” 

“I don’t know.” He mutters. I loosely grab his fingers from his free hand and tug a bit until he looks over at me. “I don’t know.” He says again. “I guess I just wasn’t ready to let it all go, you know?” 

I smile lightly at him. “I understand.” He kisses my fingertips and drops my hand before turning back to the oven. I like this Josh. I step behind him and slide my hands around front of him and up his chest. I drop my chin on his shoulder and he leans back against me a little bit. “They smell good.”

“I got an idea.” He announces turning around and pointing over my shoulder with the spatula. “That door over there goes down to the wine cellar. Why don’t you go down and get some champagne for mimosas?”

“You have a wine cellar?” I ask, dropping my jaw. “Of course this place has a wine cellar.” I can’t wait to see this thing. “Mimosas sound perfect.” I give him a peck on the lips and head to the door. He follows me and throws a switch and I see shelves of wine illuminated brightly below me. “Oh. My. God.” Josh chuckles and heads back to the oven. 

I head downstairs with a dropped jaw. It’s not that big; I’d say it’s about the size of the Roosevelt Room, but it’s beautiful. It’s got a tiled floor and light toned shelves, it’s brightly lit and there’s a few high top tables and stools, along with a bar set up. I glance around the room, wondering what it would look like with people in it. Josh’s parents obviously opened this up for parties. 

Along the top of the shelves is copper plating with the name of the varietal shelved underneath on it. I see the champagne and head toward it, pulling off the first bottle I reach. I don’t really know anything about champagne, so I could care less what it is. Surprisingly, it’s not Dom Perignon. 

Instead of heading back upstairs, I decide to poke around a bit and try to find something to bring up to drink later. I mean, the world is literally my oyster here. I might as well take advantage of it, right?

I wander over to the whites trying to decide what to bring up with me. A French oaked Chardonnay? A nice light Pinot Grigio? 

I frown a bit as something catches my eye and take a step toward it for a better look. What I see stops me dead in my tracks and my breathing hitches. 

Well, would you look at that?

Josh really does have secrets.


	5. The Use In Trying

Donna emerges from the wine cellar with two bottles. She’s holding them by their necks and they’re kinda dangling behind her legs, so I can’t really see what they are. She hauls one up and hands me a 1995 Krug, Clos du Mesnil. 

“What? No Dom?” she asks coyly. Do I tell her she picked a $750 bottle of champagne over the $350 Dom Perrignon? I’ll keep that to myself for now. 

“There’s Dom down there.” I nod and start unwrapping the foil. “This is a good choice though. I’m in the mood for celebrating.”

“Then I think we should use this.”

She brings the other bottle up to eye level and I’m speechless. I haven’t seen this in years.

I set the champagne down on the counter and take the bottle of white wine in my hands. “I forgot this was down there.” I whisper. I run my thumb over the label. 

“Donnatella, When I hired you I knew you’d be important to me, but I had no idea you’d become my inspiration in all things. Joshua.” She quotes. I raise my eyebrows at her.

“You memorized it on the way up here?”

“It’s dated November 2000.” She says. 

“Yeah, it was before I went back to work.” I pull the foil off the cork and reach for the corkscrew. “Wanna drink this instead?” 

“JOSHUA!” she shrieks.

“What?” Damn, I was hoping she’d let it go.

“You thought this four years ago!”

“Yeah.” I say, moving the champagne glasses to the side and retrieving wine glasses. 

“WHY in the world didn’t you ever give this to me!? Do you know what this would have meant to me then?”

“Yes, I do.” I say simply as I pour her a glass. “And because I knew, I decided not to give it to you because while YOU may have known, I was very confused.” 

“YOU were confused?!”

“Yes, which seems to have lead to your apparent confusion.” I reply. 

“Did you mean it?”

“YES!” I yelp. “That was the problem! You were my – you ARE my assistant and those are very unprofessional feelings. Nobody else fell in love with their assistants. I’m the only idiot that developed inappropriate feelings for my assistant. How could I not? You were there every horrible step of the way. And it was confusing! But I liked it which made it even more confusing…” I drift off as I take in her surprised and sympathetic expression. “Donna, you would have asked me if I meant it, and I did, but I couldn’t do anything about it, mainly because I didn’t know myself what it meant.”

She nods her head and bites her lip. “It’s just all the wasted…”

“There was nothing wasted.” I reply. “I don’t regret anything, well maybe I regret some of the things, but for the most part, I have no regrets. We’re four years older and four years wiser and, I don’t know. I’m so much more older than you…”

“I’ve seen NO evidence of that.” She snarks and I smirk.

“You should have been able to experience the things you were experiencing without being tied down to someone is what I mean. It was the first time you were truly on your own, standing on your own two feet, dating --”

“Which you quite obviously hated.” She tosses back with an arched brow.

“That’s hard to deny. I wanted more, but I liked what we were too; complicated, but not at the same time. Maybe it was me being selfish, maybe I wasn’t ready, maybe I just assumed you’d ALWAYS be there…”

“I will.” She nods. 

“Well, I thought so, until you almost weren’t…” My voice catches so I pour the wine as a distraction and slide a glass across the counter towards her.

“It’s 9:30 in the morning.” She smiles.

“Oh, but the mimosas were okay?”

“Fair point.” She picks it up, clinks it to mine and takes a sip then smiles. “It’s pinot grigio.”

“I listen when you talk.” I grumble.

“Apparently.” 

“I do.” I shrug. “Where do you think the inspiration comes from?”

“I thought you didn’t do mushy.”

“I don’t. I just haven’t had enough coffee yet.”

She slides up to me and wraps her arm around my waist and raises her glass. 

“Do I get to keep the bottle now?” 

“Sure.” Why the hell she wants an empty bottle, I have no idea; probably to remind herself why she loves me when she actually wants to club me over the head with it I’m guessing.

“What else do you have up your sleeve?” she asks.

An absolutely spectacular necklace that I saw at Thanksgiving that I bought for her that I was likewise probably going to chicken out on giving to her, but I’ll keep that to myself at the moment…since now I’m thinking I can give it to her.

“Isn’t the fun of it finding out on your own?” 

“No.”

“Oh.” I say. “Well, I’m still not telling you.”

“You’re such a tease.” She says huskily right before she kisses me and wrapping her arms around my neck.

“Don’t dump wine on my head.” I mutter against her lips and she chuckles. Her stomach growls again and she giggles more. “Good Lord, woman! Is that all you think about?”

Her eyes go smokey and she loses her smile, “No.”

Well then.


	6. The Use In Trying

I stretch languorously out on the couch in the living room. The fire is crackling and hot. This room is enormous, but our proximity to the fireplace still manages to give it a cozy feel. Josh is sitting on the floor in front of me flipping through a magazine. This is the laziest morning I can remember having in years. My stomach is delightfully full from the best homemade breakfast I’ve had in ages.

Josh tosses the magazine aside and drops his head back to look at me. I smile at him and run my fingers through his hair. 

“I’ve got to talk to you about something.” He says turning his body towards me.

“Okay.” I reply. I anticipate quite a few ‘conversations’ before we’re finally able to get out of here. 

“I never really imagined having this conversation with you…well, I was hoping I would someday, but didn’t think I’d ever be in the position to have it…”

“I think you’re wandering, Josh.” I say smiling. He seems a bit nervous.

“Yeah.” He says. “Okay, I’m just going to say it. I’m thinking of leaving the White House.” 

Okay. I wasn’t expecting that. 

At first blush, it’s pretty surprising, but once I start to think about it, I really should have seen it coming. CJ’s promotion must have been the final straw.

“To do?”

“I’m not really sure yet.” He confesses and I must admit I’m surprised. Josh with no plan? 

“Russell?” I ask.

“No!” He laughs immediately. “Absolutely not.” 

“He’s the frontrunner.” I point out.

“He doesn’t have my vote.” 

“Even if he becomes the nominee?”

“He won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“I have some experience at this.”

“Hoynes?” I ask cautiously. 

“No, I’m not real excited about that prospect either.” 

“But they’ve both called you, right?”

“Yeah.” 

“Well, do you have someone else in mind?”

“No.”

I snuggle down into the pillow a bit and study him closely. How is it that Josh, who is the most focused and determined person I know, loses his way? Has he lost his way or is he just in a funk?

“Are you going either way, or do you think you’ll wait until you’ve got something lined up?” 

“Depends.” He shrugs.

“On?”

“You.” 

Well, then. He’s looking up at me cautiously. Clearly, this is something he hasn’t put too much thought into. 

“Me.”

“And what you want to do next.” He finishes. 

“I don’t know what to say.” I admit. And I really don’t. The thought of any of Josh’s plans hinging on me in any way is just something I haven’t allowed myself to remotely think about. There was a time when I’d indulge in those daydreams…he’d come out of his office and tell me he was tired of not being able to be together and we should get the hell out of there…but then came Amy and I learned to hide those thoughts deep down. Or at least I thought I did, CJ seemed to still pick up on them. Now that everything I wanted from him is presenting itself right in front of me, wrapped in a nice red bow, I’m not really sure what to think about it…or do about it.

“You must have thought about it.” He says. 

“Leaving?” 

“Yeah.”

“I’ve thought about it.” I say non-committedly.

“And?” He coaxes. 

“I haven’t opened the want ads or anything. I’ve just thought about it.” I snap. He raises his eyebrows in surprise and I sigh. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I know my attitude about it doesn’t really make much sense to you. I guess I’m a little sensitive about it. It’s kind of like one of those things you fantasize about but never really set into motion, you know?” 

His face falls and I see he interpreted that all wrong. I roll onto my back and look up at the ceiling, trying to figure out how to explain it to him.

“I guess I can’t blame you.” He says, looking down at the carpet. 

“Josh, the reason I want to go is the same reason I stayed so long.” 

“What’s that?” He looks up at me and I see so much in his eyes, so much unguarded emotion.

“You Josh!” 

“You wanted to leave because of me?”

“Because of THIS.” I say waving a hand back and forth between us. I feel the hot tears in my eyes and sit up, more to put a little distance between us than any reason having to do with comfort. “Sometimes it just hurt too much; sometimes it was just too hard to be around you.”

“And so you stayed…because of me.” He looks like he’s trying pretty hard to follow my train of thought.

“What if I left and you didn’t want the same thing?” I whisper. “Then I would have had nothing at all and that scared me more than anything.” 

“So you wanted to leave the White House because being around me was too hard, but you never left because you couldn’t not be around me.”

“Pretty much.” I admit sheepishly.

“Wow.” He says after a moment. I don’t know that my big confession did anything for him there. He stands up and I take that as a bad sign. I wanted a little bit of distance; he wants a lot. 

“Well, hell, Donna, if we’ve discovered we love each other, but one of us can’t stand to be around the other, what the hell is the use in trying?” He says throwing his arms around. 

“That’s not…that’s not what I meant, Josh.” I reply standing up and facing him, but he takes a few steps away into the corner by the book cases. 

“Did you or did you not just say that being around me was hard?”

“I did, but I didn’t mean it that way.” 

“How many different ways are there to take that?” 

“It was hard because I love you and there was nothing I could do about it but stay.”

He runs a hand down his face and looks at me for a long moment before he drops his hands to his waist. “So what you’re really saying is I held you back.”

Where is he getting this? “Josh, you’re not hearing me.”

“Donna, I’ve made interpreting what you mean as opposed to what you’re actually saying my obsession for almost seven years. I’ve lost countless nights of sleep trying to figure out what you meant sometimes. You telling me you wanted to leave, but staying ‘because of me’ can ONLY be interpreted as you thinking I held you back.” 

“Why DIDN’T you ever encourage me to advance?” I ask crossing my arms over my chest. I mean if we’re going there…

“Why would I?” He laughs. “I’m not your career counselor.” 

“You’re supposed to be my friend.”

“You asked for more responsibility and I gave it to you. That’s all you’ve ever asked. You never said, ‘Josh, my job’s not challenging and I’m thinking I should move on.’ You said you wanted to feel useful; you said you wanted to learn how to do more. I gave it to you.”

“And if I ever DID say that to you?”

“I would have tried to convince you to stay.”

“Exactly!”

“Exactly!” he shouts back. “I wanted you around for the same reason you stayed. There are times, Donna, when I could have sworn we had an understanding, I could have sworn you’d wait for me. I thought we were stronger than that; I thought we ran deeper than that.”

“I think that too.” I reply wiping the tears from my eyes. 

“Really? Because it sounds an awful lot to me like you’re looking for a reason to bail because it’s too hard.”

“After seven years?”

“Yes!”

“After seven years and everything we’ve been through, when we’re finally talking about this and finally facing it, I’m going to turn and run.” 

“That’s what it sounds like.”

“That’s your paranoia talking, Joshua.”

“It’s what you ALWAYS do, Donna.” He replies. He waves his hand between us and continues. “The second this thing starts to surface, you run in the other direction right to whoever happens by.”

Well, that was direct.

I sit back down on the couch in shock and he runs a hand down his face again. 

“I didn’t mean…” he starts quietly. “I’m sorry I said that.” 

I shrug and look down before picking my head up and looking him right in the eye. “If I do that, maybe it’s because you say things like that.” 

“I told you I don’t do mushy.”

“You don’t do appropriate either.” I snap.

“Which brings me back to my original question.”

“Which is?”

“What’s the use in trying?” he whispers then walks by me. “I’m sorry.” 

I’m left alone in the room, staring at the flames dancing in the fireplace and the spot he was just standing in, the corner I backed him into, his words echoing in my head.

What is the use in trying indeed? All you get is pain.


	7. The Use In Trying

From my vantage point in the den, I can see Donna in the living room through the glass French doors. She hasn’t moved yet and it’s been awhile since I left the room. 

I can’t believe she raises that kind of emotion in me. Then again, since I got shot, she’s the only one that I’ve ever felt truly alive around BECAUSE she raises that kind of emotion in me. She makes me feel everything and that’s addicting and toxic at the same time, which I suppose it could be argued that that’s the same thing.

I sit down on a bar stool nursing a Scotch. She’s usually the only one that makes me drink Scotch too. 

She was just being honest and we’ll never get anywhere if we’re not honest with each other. Though it sounds like we’re going no where fast…which is the story of our entire relationship except now we’re doing it while on fire.

She appears in the doorway, leans up against the frame and crosses her arms.

“The use in trying, Joshua, is to get past it.” She says simply. I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to mean.

“To get to what?”

“To get to what’s next.”

“Which is?” I challenge.

“I don’t know.” She shrugs.

“Great, that really clears it up.” I smirk and throw my Scotch back in one long swallow.

“But I think…” she starts pushing herself off the doorframe and walking slowly towards me. “…that that might be the point.” 

“Donna, my brain is melting down right now and this is the second drink I’ve had since I’ve been in here after all that wine with breakfast, so maybe you could just spell it out and skip the Confucius stuff.”

“I think we’re supposed to figure out what’s next together.” She says, gently taking the glass out of my hand and putting it on the bar. She links her fingers with mine and I can’t believe she’s not trying to push me off the stool and strangle me like I deserve.

“I am REALLY sorry, Donna.” I say again and she shrugs. “No, you shouldn’t blow it off. It was completely out of line.”

“And yet, right on the mark.” 

“No.”

“Yeah it was, Josh.” She nods. “Well not entirely, but a lot of the times I was running from you. I didn’t think I was then, but looking back on it some of it was definitely an attempt to get over you or something you said. But that’s just it, Josh, after all this time, I’m not over you and I don’t think it’s possible.”

“I guess we’re at a crossroads.” I say pulling her a little closer to me.

“Yeah.”

“And neither one of us seems to be handling it well.”

“Not so much, no.”

“Where do we go from here?” I ask her quietly, not really expecting an answer, but she gives me one anyway.

“I don’t know.” She shakes her head. “But I have a hard time at this point believing that we’re not going there together.” 

“I meant what I said about leaving the White House.” 

“Good, so did I.”

I drop my forehead to her chest and sigh. “There’s so much left to talk about.” 

“You want to do it all in one blood letting?” she asks rubbing my back a bit.

“No.” I chuckle straightening back up. “I definitely don’t want to do it all at once.”

“How do we know it’s not going to fester then?”

“I guess we don’t.” I shrug. “But I think now that we started, we’ll keep it up.” 

“You promise?”

I nod. “I really am sorry.” 

“It’s not going to be the last time you say something insensitive, Josh.” She replies. 

“That’s no excuse.”

“It’s not.” She agrees. “But you apologized and I accepted. And now that brings us to a first for us in fighting.”

“What’s that?”

“We get to kiss and make up.” She says in that sexy voice from this morning a split second before she bends down and kisses the ever loving hell out of me. I stand up and thread one hand into her hair and pull her flush against me with the other. 

She grabs onto my t-shirt and drops her head back. My lips instantly fuse to her neck and she holds my head in place. I start to walk her backwards. There’s a couch in here someplace and I’m just going to blindly lead her around until I find it. 

When I finally feel us bump up against it, she breaks away and pulls my shirt over my head and drops it to the floor. I suck a breath in as she starts to trail kisses along my collarbone. 

“Donna,” I say with a groan that sounded like it came from my toes. She doesn’t answer, but sets her attention on my neck in light feathery kisses that are making me crazy. “Are you sure about this? We were just yelling at each other and I don’t want to move too fast here.” 

She steps back and pulls her shirt over her head. I swear I stop breathing as I’m face to, well, chest with a topless Donnatella Moss, then she lowers herself down to the couch and lays back. 

Not needing her to actually say the word yes, I join her there and drop a light kiss on the small surgical scar on her chest, pausing to rub my thumb over it. It looks as angry as mine used to, though it’s not remotely as big. 

“When I think about how close I came to losing you, I just think that everything else really doesn’t matter, you know?” 

“It seems pretty stupid in the big picture.” 

“I’ve been scared, Donna, but I’ve never been terrified.”

“You were shot.” 

“Yeah, but that was different. I was too confused and delirious to be scared.”

“I was terrified then, and that feeling lingered for months.” She says. “The stronger you got, the more scared I got that you were over exerting yourself, then came that awful Christmas…” I kiss her forehead and then her cheek as she takes a deep breath and collects herself. She wipes the tears from her eyes and locks her gaze with mine. “Promise me we’ll never lose sight of the big picture, Josh.”

“I promise.” I nod and find that I never meant those words more than I do right now. 

When I kiss her again, it feels much more desperate and consuming. There’s no stopping again and no more talking. As each item of clothing is shed, we take turns kissing the skin it reveals. I begin to take my time; intent on getting to know every inch of her, cataloging in my mind each freckle, each scar, each curve and striving to know her better than anyone ever has before. I already know her like that as a person, but I want to know her physically like that, too. I want to be able to pick her out in the dark without a shadow of a doubt, just by the length of her neck or the flare of her hip.

She hisses as my hand slides between her legs. I can’t say I’m surprised to find her ready considering I feel like I’m going to explode myself. But resisting the urge, and believe me, it’s pretty great, to bury myself in her, I continue my exploration of her body, savoring each kiss and each noise they elicit from her. 

She threads her fingers into my hair as I travel down her body, spending ample time memorizing the shape of her breasts, the line of her waist. She giggles when I explore the depth of her belly button, but gasps when I continue my course. 

As I begin to explore the deepest depths of her and she moans, I realize this is the one fantasy I never allowed myself to partake in with her. I never once allowed myself to wonder what she’d taste like or how she’d move around me, what kind of noises she would make. My imagination seemed blocked at this point.

She cries out and tenses around me and I prop myself up to watch her. She’s beautiful as she rides the wave of pleasure that is quite obviously washing over her now. I kiss my way up her body and when I get close enough, she pulls my face to hers. I can’t say I’ve ever kissed a girl after that before and it’s incredibly erotic. 

Her head tilts back, her eyes close, and her lips part as I slide into her slowly, feeling every centimeter of her as I go deeper and deeper. She opens her eyes and they zero in on mine, then she lifts her head and kisses me. Her legs feel like they’re miles long as they slide around me and there’s now no other way to possibly be surrounded by her. It’s a mind blowing feeling and I waste no time at all in starting to move.

She alternates between kissing where she can reach and holding on tight. I wonder how I can make this last forever. If it felt any better, I’d swear I had died and gone to heaven. Too much bliss for one person surely can’t be of this world, can it?

The bigger picture isn’t that I love her it’s that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to do this with her as many times as she’ll let me before I die. Euphoria is swirling from my stomach, up through my chest, to my head and back down again when without warning I explode into her and I’m about to be mortified that it’s over too soon for her, but she gasps and digs her nails into my shoulders. 

When the incredible feeling is completely gone and not a moment sooner, I slide to her side and kiss her. She smiles dreamily at me. “Hey.” She says.

“Hey.” I say back.

“I’m kinda cold.”

“Hold on.” I pop off the couch, run like hell into the living room because I’m cold too, and grab two blankets, then tear back into the den, where I stop and see her curled like a kitten, naked on the couch. I’m loathed to cover her, but I also don’t want her to get sick either. I need her healthy. I plan on doing that a lot and she’ll need her strength!

I drape the blankets over us and pull her back into my arms and she lets out a very unladylike yawn and stretches against me and I begin to run my fingers through her hair.

“I didn’t know I could feel this way.” She whispers. 

I stop my movements for a second and think that pretty well sums it up. “Me either.” I whisper back, but she’s already asleep.


	8. The Use In Trying

A cell phone ring squeals through the silence and Donna and I shift on the couch in response. Donna leans over me and starts rooting around on the floor.

“`Lo?” I hear her answer. It sounds like she’s still half asleep. “`Lo?”

“It’s mine.” I say and turn towards her and away from the offending sound.

She flops over me again and roots around some more, presumably digging through my pockets on the floor until she resurfaces and answers the phone. “Yeah?” We’ll, that wasn’t very professional. “He’s sleeping, C.J.” Whoops. I should probably get that. “Is it urgent?” I can’t seem to reach for the phone. “Okay. He’ll call you back then.” She snaps the phone shut and tosses it back onto the floor, then curls back down with me.

“It’s still snowing.” She notes softly. 

“It’s not supposed to stop until tonight.” I say and nuzzle down further into her chest. 

“What time is it?”

“I have no idea. You were the one just holding the phone.”

“That was C.J.”

“I figured that out.” 

“Something about Terry and Shields and I don’t really know. Nothing exploded so…”

“Good call.” I say into her neck. I snake my arms around her waist and pull her naked body up against mine. It feels so good; it feels so right. 

Predictably, the shrill ring of my cell phone peals out again.

“You know what the good thing about being in Connecticut right now is?” I ask kissing her collarbone.

“They can’t beat your door down when you don’t answer?”

“You got it.” 

She tilts her head a bit and I move to her neck as I hear the voicemail beep. “She’s going to blame me, you know.” Donna says. 

“I’ll tell her it was me.”

“She’d probably prefer to blame it on me.”

“What’s your deal with her right now?” I ask pulling my head back and looking at her. She just shrugs. “No, something’s going on. You and her have been pretty stilted for a while now. Did something happen?”

“You could say that.” 

“So?” I ask and nudge her a bit.

“I don’t really want to talk about it right now.” She says. 

“That’s problematic considering she’s our boss.”

“YOU’RE my boss.”

“Which might make this problematic.” I say waving a finger between us. 

“What happened to the big picture?”

“Nothing.” I say defensively. “But we do need to talk about our work situation. We can’t just say ‘screw ‘em’ and leave it at that. We need a plan. I want to leave.”

“Then we don’t have a problem.” She shrugs. 

“You said you wanted to leave; what do you want to do?” 

“I don’t know.” She says. “I don’t really know what I’m qualified to do and I don’t know what I even want to do.”

“We could look at candidates.” I suggest cautiously.

“To go up against Russell and Hoynes?” I nod in response. “Or I could just get out of politics all together.”

Well, I wasn’t expecting that.

“And do?” 

“I don’t know.” She sighs. 

Donna’s amazing at what she does. I know how lucky I am to have had her all these years and people tell me all the time. She thinks of absolutely every detail there is. She plans for everything…as far as I’m professionally concerned. Donna’s mistakes are so rare that it usually takes me a few minutes to get over the sheer shock of it.

But Donna’s spontaneous-ism is infamous, i.e. dropping her life in Wisconsin and hopping in a car for New Hampshire. She has knee-jerk reactions to situations that often land her in hot water.

It kind of makes me a little nervous that she might bail while she’s at another crossroads in her life here.

“Do you think getting out of politics means getting out of Washington?” I ask, dreading the answer.

“Well no, not if you’re there.” She says immediately.

Phew! I don’t think I could handle that.

“I was serious about figuring out what’s next together, but I just don’t know what would be next for me.”

“You should probably have a plan in place before you leave.”

“I could go for a little while, I think.” My eyes widen a little bit. I think this is a little more serious than I originally thought. “It’s hard to be there now, Josh. I just think that the stress over finding a job wouldn’t be as bad as the weight I feel when I walk through the door there…”

“Okay.” I say quickly and nod for good measure.

“Really?” 

“I don’t want you to be unhappy. If you have problems, I’ll help you out. Big picture.”

“You’ll be my sugar daddy?” she smiles.

“Absolutely.” I say earnestly. 

“Josh!” she laughs.

“Until you figure it out.”

“You’re very sweet.” She punctuates her compliment with a quick kiss. 

“You’ve always taken care of me, Donna. I just want to return the favor.” 

She snakes her hand under the blanket and along my bare hip. “I guess this is me giving you my notice.” She whispers huskily.

“Helluva way to go about it.” I groan as she tugs my earlobe into her mouth.

“Just don’t use this tactic when it’s your turn with CJ.”

“Oookkaay…” I say rolling onto my back and out of her grasp. “That’s going to take a few minutes to get over.”

“Sorry.” She says as her hand starts an exploration under the blanket.

“Okay, I’m over it.” I smirk rolling back to her and she greets my return with a full wattage smile that nearly stops me in my tracks. I swear, what I won’t do for this woman.

After another amazing go of it, which I’m pretty sure left marks, possibly on both of us, and we stay in our cocoon satiated and smiling, I suddenly have a crystal clear scene played out in my head: It’s me, coming home to Donna. There’s nothing overly remarkable about the room I see except for the toys scattered around it. It leaves me smiling with a giddy feeling of anticipation and wondering at just how much time Donna would be willing to take between jobs.


	9. The Use In Trying

“I thought love was only true in fairytales…”

What the hell?

“Meant for someone else but not for me!”

Oh dear Lord, help me.

“Mmmm, what’s the use in trying? All you get is pain. When I needed sunshine I got rain.”

Donna’s downright gorgeous and I love her to death, but she can’t sing for shit. She’s got her feet propped up on the coffee table and my computer on her lap. She’s swinging her feet and bobbing her head and looking so endearing and utterly alive that I’m loathed to break the moment.

“Then I saw her face…”

Not that loathed.

“Whatcha doing?” I ask pushing myself off of the doorframe I was leaning on. She looks up, pulls her headphones out of her ears and gifts me with a smile that screams ‘Welcome to your life, Josh!’

“Do you mind?” she asks gesturing to the computer.

“Do I mind?” I repeat.

“Yeah.” She nods.

“Since when do you ask?” 

She shrugs in response and I drop down onto the couch next to her and prop my chin on her shoulder. I frown when I see what she’s looking at.

“Apartments?” My eyebrows hike up my forehead and I try to keep the surprise and minor fear out of my voice…not so sure it works.

“I’m just poking around.” She says.

“What’s wrong with the apartment you have?”

“You hate where I live.” She counters.

“Well…yeah.” It’s tough to argue with that. I do hate where she lives. It’s not in the best of neighborhoods. But I don’t want her to get another apartment right now. I’m not deluded enough to think we’re actually ready to move in together now, but I think I’m going to be ready in the next 12 months and if she locks into a year lease now….

“I guess I just feel like if I’m getting a new job, I should get a new apartment, too.”

Donna logic.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. If I’m turning over a new leaf, I might as well really do it, right? New job, new place, to go with the new man…” she slides an impish grin my way that’s adorable and terrifying at the same time because last time Donna got a new job she moved across the country. This is what she does? Well, isn’t that quirky…and again, a little terrifying. 

“I really don’t think you should get a new place and if I can’t talk you out of it, then I think you should consider a month to month lease.”

“Why?” 

“Because you can easily move out of that apartment on a month to month lease.”

“Why would I be moving out?”

“You don’t make ANYTHING easy, you know that?” I groan. I fall back against the couch and press my palms to my eyes. I’m being dramatic, yes, I know, but sometimes she’s so damn frustrating!

“Oh and you do? You are not exactly low maintenance, my friend.” She counters. 

Fine. We’ll do it her way.

The dumb way.

“What happens when we’re ready to move in together and you’re stuck in a year long lease?”

She looks a little surprised now.

Scratch that. She looks a lot surprised now.

“You want to move in together?” she says after a few of the longest seconds of my life and gives me a small smile as her eyes, dammit, tear up.

“Not right away, but maybe in a few months, yeah and…c’mon, Donna, don’t do this. Don’t cry over it. You do stuff like this and it gets me all weirded out…”

“But you didn’t want to move in with Amy.”

“Because it wasn’t right for me and Amy.” I sigh. “And let’s not start comparing what we have with anything either one of us had with anyone else. It’s a bad precedent and will only make us nuts. We’re US and it DOES feel right for us. Wait a minute, are you saying no?” 

“No, I’m not saying no.”

Phew!

“I’m just surprised is all.”

“I see us moving forward, Donna, not stuck in limbo.” I say picking up her hand. 

“My building only does year long lease terms and I have to renew or move in January.” 

Well, I definitely don’t think we’ll be ready to live together in six weeks. I lean in and kiss her and smile against her lips as I hear her sigh...with pleasure…because I know her ‘You’re making me crazy, Josh’ sigh and that wasn’t it. 

“Your lack of faith wounds me, Donnatella. Are you saying you know a better negotiator on the planet than me?” 

“You do have some game.”

“I think I can handle your landlord and negotiate a month to month lease for you.”

“You told him to fix the buzzer; he never did.” She points out. 

“I’ll take care of that, too.” I vow and she giggles.

The kissing starts to get heated but my cell phone squeals out and I sigh…not with pleasure. 

“You do have a job, Josh.” She smiles sadly. “You didn’t answer it before.”

It is, of course, CJ, so I push myself up reluctantly and leave the room, pressing the phone to my ear.

“Hello, Claudia.”

“Oh, there you are. I was about to send out the National Guard.” She sounds unhappy. 

“What’s up?” I ask ignoring her indirect question of why I not only didn’t take her call earlier but didn’t return it.

“I left you a message….” She says. “There may have been an important reason…”

“Yeah, I couldn’t take the call. Donna was resigning at the moment.”

Silence.

“What did you say?”

“Donna’s leaving.”

“Why?”

“I was hoping you could shed a little light on that for me, CJ.” I toss out there. I haven’t pressed Donna about it at her request, but CJ isn’t going to be so lucky. Something happened here.

“Why? What’d she say?” 

“You two have appeared a little off since before she left on the CODEL and now she’s resigning. And you’ve always been close over the years, so I was hoping you had a little insight here.” 

“Everyone eventually moves on, Josh.”

“They sure do.” I say cryptically. 

“She wants to do more, but that’s not something you didn’t already know.” Nice sidestep. “Do you want me to reassign her? There’s plenty here she’s qualified for.”

“No. She wants to leave the White House.” I say flatly.

“And how are you dealing with that?” 

“What am I supposed to do? Chain her to her desk?” I snap back. “Can we get to why you called?”

“I need you back. When can you get out of the tundra?”

“When it stops snowing. It’s blizzard conditions out there now.” 

“All right. I’m going to look at organizing an elaborate rescue operation for you two then.” She’s trying to be cute, but I’m not in the mood for it. 

“You’re going to put us in harm’s way so you can have me talking to you inside the White House instead of over the phone?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, mi amore. You’ll be in the capable hands of the U.S. government, not harm’s way.”

“That didn’t work out so well for me once before.”

“Well, that was a downer.”

“Then my work here is done.”

“I’ll keep you posted.”

She hangs up the phone and I have no more answers than I had before.


	10. The Use In Trying

I sigh as my cell phone rings. I immediately assume it’s the White House trying to do an end run around to get to Josh, but I’m pleasantly surprised when I see its Sarah Lyman. Josh is off somewhere in this monstrosity of a house on the phone.

“Hi, Sarah!” I greet cheerfully into the phone.

“Donna, dear, how are you?”

“I’m well.”

“We haven’t talked in a while.” She says, she tries to make it sound innocent, but Sarah Lyman does not do innocent. I have intentionally been avoiding her because I didn’t want to have a conversation about Josh, or me and Josh more specifically. 

“Sorry about that.” Is all I say, and I am. I love talking to Sarah.

“How’s Connecticut? How’s the house?” she continues. 

“It’s….big.” I say.

“It’s lonely for one person, that’s for sure.”

“Which is why I can’t understand why Josh kept it and moreover, didn’t tell me he kept it.”

“I have my suspicions about that.” She says cryptically. “Mostly, I think he’s just attached to it; attached to the memories surrounding that place. I on the other hand found it pretty stifling.” 

“Different memories I suppose.” I say.

“I guess.”

“I found the wine bottle.”

She pauses. Ha! The tables have turned! “There were so many things I wanted to tell you over the years, Donna.” She sighs.

“Part of me wishes you had.” I confess.

“There needs to be trust between you two and you need to feel secure that I am a confidant to both of you. So many times I wished he’d give you the bottle or tell you about the donation, so many times I hoped that maybe he’d let it slip…”

“Donation?” I ask.

Another pause. “Hmm?” she says. Yeah, she’s busted.

“You said donation.”

“Did I, dear?”

“Spill.”

“I think that’s best coming from Josh.”

“I’d rather have time to absorb it.”

“I think after all these years, Donna, it’s really time you two talk.”

“Well, we already have, or we started to. We got a lot out in the open, not that much of it was a big surprise.” I mutter at the end.

“And WHAT exactly did you get out in the open?”

“Tell me about the donation.” 

“Nice try; I was a litigator’s wife. I’ll be able to wait. I’ve waited this long. Nobody has more patience than me.”

“It’s hard to argue with that.”

“You need to tell him about CJ, too.”

“I think he can go without knowing that. There was no damage done.”

“Wasn’t there?” she counters. “How’s your friendship with CJ?”

“It would have taken a beating anyway when she made Chief of Staff.”

“I have a hard time believing that. Besides, I think he needs to know who his friends are.”

“I don’t think it’ll matter much in the near future.” I can be cryptic too.

“What’s that mean?”

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

“You are relentless.” She laughs.

“Well, I’ve spent years learning from the best.”

“So I’m confused, has either one of us gotten anything out of this conversation?” 

“*I* have.” I say and she laughs. 

“It’s always delightful talking to you, dear.” She says as Josh enters the living room. 

“And we’ll talk again soon.”

“My son must have returned.”

“Yes.”

“Bye, dear.” 

“Bye.” I snap the phone closed and toss it on the coffee table. He looks so adorable in jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t see him this way often, guard down, casual, and in love.

“Tell me about the donation.” I dive right in.

“Donation?”

“Your mother just slipped up. She mentioned a donation.”

His eyes widen slightly. It lasts a split second. 

“It’s nothing.”

“Okay, so tell me about it.” 

“It was years ago.”

“Okay…” I prompt rolling my hand for him to get going here. He blows out a breath and starts to pace. “Josh, what are you nervous about?” He stops and looks at me surprised. 

“I’m not…well, it’s just I’m going to sound like an idiot.”

I can’t help it; I laugh. 

“What?” he asks indignantly.

“Well, it’s just that you’ve said things to me that have made you sound like an idiot before and never seemed to worry about it.”

“Well, now I’m definitely not inclined to share!”

“Josh!”

He crosses his arms across his chest for a moment, I truly can’t decide if he’s actually hurt or not. Given the way our few days have gone, I think he might be.

“Okay, I’m sorry.” I relent. “I won’t laugh. I want to know. Please?” I pout slightly and give him my best hamster face.

He lets out a long breath and drops his hands to his hips. “It was years ago, my mother is making a big deal out of nothing. After the Family Wellness Act a few years ago, remember Stackhouse filibustered it…” I nod in response. “…you championed the cause and it seemed like it was important to you and I always do charitable contributions for tax time and so I made a donation to Cure Autism Now.” 

I look at him a moment; both surprised and not at the same time. 

“For how much?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.” 

“$10,000.” 

My jaw drops.

“I do a lot of donations though! I donate to cancer research, M.S. research, and you know, other stuff. So, really it’s just another…” He’s cut off in his little rant though as I’ve stood up, closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his neck, not bothering to hide the tears in my eyes.

“Joshua, you’re just so sweet!” I cry into his shoulder. “Just when I think I couldn’t love you anymore, there’s more! How could you think I’d think you’d sound like an idiot for telling me that?” 

“It wasn’t so much that I thought you’d think that, honestly, but that it would become blatantly obvious just how long I’ve been obsessively in love with you.”

The only response to that is to kiss the hell out of him and so that’s just what I do. He’s not only immediately receptive, but enthusiastic. Every time he says something like that, I feel like I could fly. When he says something like that, I want to pick up the phone and make him repeat that to CJ and Amy and anyone else who thought I didn’t deserve him or that my ‘hopeless crush’ on Josh wasn’t returned.

Anyone who didn’t believe.

Then again, I don’t want any of them to hear words like that that are just meant for me.


	11. The Use In Trying

Josh spent most of the ride to the airport on the phone with his realtor. When the call was finally finished, he couldn’t escape my inquisitive look.

“You’re going to sell it?” I ask suspiciously. A small part of me is afraid that he really did only buy it because he was with Amy at the time, like somehow, I don’t belong in a house like that. It’s only a small part, and it’s the self-conscious part of me, but still, it’s a part of me that thinks it. 

Of course, I don’t give voice to that thought. Nothing good can come of it. Besides, I’ve spent years getting information out of Josh without directly asking him what I wanted to know. 

Did that even make sense?

“Yeah.”

“Why?” 

He looks at me and his eyes soften, his face doesn’t look so tense. For the first time in a very long while, he doesn’t look so tense and stressed out.

“It’s time to let it go.” He says quietly. “It’s time to move forward. Big picture, remember?” I wipe away the tears that escape my eyes and he sighs in frustration. “What? Why are you crying?”

“Well, you’re really the only man I know that could make selling a house sound romantic.” I can’t help it. The tears continue to pour out. They’re kind of cleansing though, so I don’t make much of an attempt to stop them.

“Well, I’m quite something.” He mutters.

We walk through the airport hand in hand and he drags a suitcase with my newly acquired wardrobe along behind him. I made out pretty well these last few days, I think. I got new clothes, the man of my dreams and ditched my job that I had grown to resent. I feel a lot lighter, like all the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

I have to admit to some fear though, not a lot, but it’s a little scary not having a job. I have a savings, and so like I told Josh, I can go for a little bit before I have to find one and add to that the safety net he’s promised to provide me if I need it and it’s not like I’ll be homeless or anything, but still I like to think I’ve grown up since I moved to Washington and that I’ve outgrown my spontaneous bouts of completely changing everything about my life.

I nearly slipped back into it though when Josh busted me looking at apartments online. That’s just been my way: new job, new city, new man. But when I saw the fear in his eyes, I knew that I was sliding backwards instead of trudging forward and so I forced myself to keep the current city and new man. 

The only man I’ve ever really wanted anyway. 

I inwardly cringe as I think of the silly little infatuations I’ve had along the way, of the poor besotted men who were never going to be Josh. Bryan, Cliff, Jack, Colin… Okay, well, maybe not Colin. Colin was sort of my rebelliousness coming through. He was never going to be anything more than a fling in a foreign country. And honestly, I have a lot to thank him for. Since I didn’t have any real emotional attachment to him, it was kind of empowering, and I’d never really felt empowered before. I was never a ‘Love him and leave him’ kind of a girl. I was always the ‘try and love him and get a commitment out of someone for crying out loud’ kind of girl. 

Josh once told me that my desire to be coupled up would always and forever drown out any sense of self or self worth that I might have had. Those were his exact words. I don’t think I’ll ever forget them. One, because that was just so unlike Josh to say something like that to me and in hindsight it was the start of his dark, downward and lightning fast spiral after the shooting; but more to the fact that they really hit the nail right on the head at the time. 

I did have brains and looks. But I didn’t have any self-esteem, a college education, or failing all that, money, and I certainly didn’t believe in myself the way he did. I think one of the reasons those words sounded so harsh was because he DID see more in me and I was wasting it, wasting myself on attempting to have meaningful relationships with men who were no deeper than my morning coffee and constantly being let down when the relationships inevitably ended in spectacularly and predictably disappointing fashion.

“Hey, you ready?” he asks squeezing my hand and nodding his head toward the skyramp to board the plane. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even heard our flight called.

“Oh, yeah.” I nod, picking up my carry on as he leaves my suitcase with the flight crew. 

“Are you all right?” He looks a little concerned.

“Great.” I smile back. And I am. 

I feel exhilarated. Sure, I currently have no direction professionally, but with the contacts I’ve made over the years, that will shake itself out. But I feel light, relieved and content. True, Josh has said a handful of hurtful things over the years, things that probably would have rolled off my back had they been said by anyone else, or maybe not, but he’s also been the one person that can really make me feel on top of the world. 

He’s been my teacher, my protector, my friend, my mentor, my lover, and my soulmate. His opinions and reactions have always been the only ones that have really mattered since I met him. 

The shuttle to DC is fairly quick and we head right to the White House. There are many jokes and witticisms about us being stuck somewhere AGAIN as walk the halls to the Operations bullpen. It’s bustling with its usual activity and no one really spares us a second glance. 

After seven years, there’s not too much personal things at my desk. A couple of pictures and The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing is really it and it all fits just fine in my tote bag. 

I bring my bag back into Josh’s office and see instantly that he looks miserable as he goes through his voicemail. His office will take a little longer to clean out, but then again, he’s not doing it today either. 

“Hey,” CJ says entering his office. “The dog sleds are moving again?” She quips. Funny, seeing her now, after everything that has happened between Josh and I over the past few days, our ‘disagreement’ in her office doesn’t anger me so much anymore. 

“We put Rudolph on the front; we were able to see through the storm.” I quip in return. Josh pays us no mind as he punches the phone keys with his finger.

“Josh says we’re losing you.” CJ opens. “Is there anything I can do to entice you to stay? I’m sure there’s plenty around here you’re qualified for.” 

“Why don’t we grab a drink this week and we’ll talk about those other ideas you had.” I suggest. She looks back and forth between Josh and I and cocks her head to the side a bit in her curious way. I think she’s figured it out. Her problem now though is the Chief of Staff wouldn’t take the time to get mixed up in a staffer’s personal life, but the girl in her wants to pump her old friend for information. 

She’ll just have to wait; it’s my retaliation.

Josh drops the phone back into the cradle with a loud, frustrated sigh. The relaxed look in his eyes from earlier is long gone, but it’s only on a temporary hiatus. He’s planning on giving his notice to the President tomorrow. 

“I’ve got some things to talk to you about.” CJ says to him.

“Now?” he sighs.

“I think it can wait until tomorrow.” She replies. “We’ve managed this long without you, we can wait one more night.” 

“Thanks.” He says, standing up. He puts his hand on the small of my back and leads me to the door of his office.

“Josh?” CJ says just as we reach the threshold. We turn in unison. It feels good to be in sync again. “Is there anything else we have to talk about?”

Josh pauses and looks at her. “I think it can wait until tomorrow.” He repeats her words to her. I feel sorry of CJ now. She’s in way over her head and I think she’s forgotten who her friends really are. I hope one day we can be close again, but I’m not willing to sacrifice Josh again to do it.

He throws is backpack over his shoulder and picks up my tote bag, then takes my hand. There are many dropped jaws as we leave the bullpen, smiling and holding hands. I’m sure the only thing that really surprises anyone is that we finally got together and stopped mooning over each other. 

I smile and drop my gaze a bit with a small chuckle. “What?” Josh asks. “What’s so funny?” 

“Nothing.” I shake my head. 

“No fair.” He whines. 

“Life’s not fair.” I counter with a smirk. 

“I don’t know,” he says thoughtfully. “it seems to be evening out now.”

I can’t really argue with that. Last year, I was disenchanted. I was stuck in a rut with no foreseeable or acceptable way to get out of it. I looked for sunshine and got rain. Not anymore. I’m a believer again.

THE END


End file.
